We all have plans don’t we? Ideas about what our life might look like. Plans for the next ‘stage’ in our life. We all have dreams as well. Things we can’t necessarily plan but that we would love to accomplish or see in our future. I knew what my dreams were early on. It was always to get married, buy a house, have children and live happily ever after. Some of these things were easy to try and plan for and others I had no control over. But I’m a planner. I always have been. I’ve always known how I want my life to look. I went to university and then worked in the corporate world in a job I thought would mean I was fulfilled. I married my high school sweetheart. I had my children. But even amongst all of these dreams and plans, none of it actually went to plan.
Whilst at university I got a job in the accounting field which I really struggled in. Big time. I think I was too young and the training didn’t account for people who hadn’t actually completed their university degree. A few years later I moved into banking thinking the higher salary and non requirement to log my day in 6 minute intervals would make me happier. It did for a while until it didn’t. But I knew that I wanted to have children early in my life and be a ‘young mum’ so it didn’t matter. I wouldn’t be there long. This was yet another ‘plan’ that didn’t go according to what I’d imagined.
Getting pregnant didn’t come easily. It took two years and a significant emotional and financial drain on us to finally conceive our daughter. So I moved my plans back a year or two and figured that the hard part was over. It wasn’t. I became incredibly sick after having my daughter and ended up in hospital for a week when she was a month old. I could write a whole blog dedicated to how horrible that experience was. But once again that wonderful newborn phase didn’t go to plan. Getting pregnant with my son and his birth went slightly more to plan. But then as an actual baby – there was no plan I could have ever put in place to try and navigate my way through the first two years of his life. It was probably one of the toughest times I’ve ever experienced. It was lonely. He didn’t sleep. Ever. The sleep deprivation was relentless. Every day I’d feel anxious about what the night would bring. It was a really hard time and nothing like I’d imagined especially after I had such an easy baby the first time around.
It was also during this time that a dream that had always been sitting inside me buried beneath Mum/work/wife life started to come to fruition. This dream. The dream that I am sitting here right now typing. My writing dream. Running my own business. It took a long time, a huge amount of work and more sacrifice then I ever imagined but it was a dream that slowly and surely came true. I look back at how I got to this point and I still can’t believe I did it. Dealing with a child that didn’t sleep as well as a toddler and a part-time job that took it’s toll on me wasn’t the ideal time to start a business. But that’s the thing about dreams – you can’t actually plan them. And being able to write full time and run my own business had always been a dream – but never really a plan as it always seemed out of reach.
And so now I face my next dream. Our third baby. A dream I have always had but there were days and months when it seemed impossible. This year, many times over it seemed impossible for so many reasons. The plan for this baby did not work out by any stretch of the imagination! But one thing I have learnt on my journey of dreams and plans - dreams that have come true and plans that have failed - is that sometimes plans are meant to fail in order for our dreams to come true. I believe we are all here to do more than work in a job we hate and fill the time in our days with things that make us unhappy. But I also know that life is not easy. All of us – every single one of us, has a dream that hasn’t come true. Has a hope that will never be founded. I sit here with many of my dreams having come true and one growing in my belly but there are 100 other dreams that didn’t come true and plans that have failed for me to get to this point. Some things we ‘choose’ to fail at. Some things we have no control at failing at. But failing is a part of life. And if we don’t fail how do we actually learn to appreciate the good things, the happy things, the things that we might take for granted but other people are desperate for. Never forget that there are things you have in this moment that other people would do ANYTHING for. Sometimes we all need to find a bit of gratitude for all that we do have in life and make peace with the fact that some plans are meant to fail and not all dreams will come true. Or in my case that I had to have a whole heap of plans fail in order for my dreams to come true. And that’s ok. Because where I am right now is exactly where I’m meant to be.